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Jokes

by Kaptain , Posted to Fishing Buddy on 04/09/2009 9:25 PM | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
Kaptain

Joined: 11/06/2006
Location: SD
Anybody got any good ones, or politicaly correct ones I should say.
Re: Jokes
by Kaptain on 04/09/2009 9:44 PM | Reply #1 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
Kaptain
Joined: 11/06/2006
Location: SD
I didn't think so.
Re: Jokes
by pikeslyr on 04/10/2009 01:00 AM | Reply #2 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
pikeslyr
Joined: 12/30/2008
Location: SD
Nothing politicaly correct but I have some good ones!

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the

morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

            ~Frank Sinatra
Re: Jokes
by Allen on 04/10/2009 06:54 AM | Reply #3 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
Allen
Joined: 01/09/2002
Location: ND
In today's day and age, I don't think there is such a thing as a "politically correct joke".

Someone always finds a reason to get their undies in a bunch.
“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” ~ Mark Twain
Re: Jokes
by bowhunter_24 on 04/10/2009 08:15 AM | Reply #4 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
bowhunter_24
Joined: 11/07/2005
Location: ND
won't be as funny reading it but a comedian said:

pull up to a hitchhiker, lock all the doors and stare straight ahead and then pop the trunk.
Go big or go home
Re: Jokes
by pain on 04/10/2009 08:21 AM | Reply #5 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
pain
Joined: 05/22/2006
Location: ND
Highway 85 South of Belfield will be closed next wednesday...apparently a large chunk of coal is being transported to put on Mount Rushmore... 
Re: Jokes
by TCRenagade on 04/10/2009 08:24 AM | Reply #6 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
TCRenagade
Joined: 03/27/2002
Location: ND
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay. ' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

I LOVE IT!  (True Story)
Re: Jokes
by TCRenagade on 04/10/2009 08:25 AM | Reply #7 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
TCRenagade
Joined: 03/27/2002
Location: ND
 

Cowboy Boots

 

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month . .

Re: Jokes
by TCRenagade on 04/10/2009 08:28 AM | Reply #8 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
TCRenagade
Joined: 03/27/2002
Location: ND

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. 
Re: Jokes
by TCRenagade on 04/10/2009 08:32 AM | Reply #9 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
TCRenagade
Joined: 03/27/2002
Location: ND
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box; then shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Re: Jokes
by svnmag on 04/10/2009 08:56 AM | Reply #10 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
svnmag
Joined: 11/03/2002
Location: ND
The UPS "joke" torqued me off.  I can see how some on the outside would find it hilarious.  I can't.  I'm still active.  John Belushi had the greatest sweatshirt ever conceived in "Animal House"--COLLEGE.  As a wise man said above, all jokes offend.  Summon my lawyer and sweeten these grapes damnit.
svnmag



                                                                                                    
Re: Jokes
by Birdhunter81 on 04/10/2009 10:03 AM | Reply #11 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
Birdhunter81
Joined: 10/10/2006
Location: ND
svnmag
The sad part is, it wasn't a joke those were true. Bushwacker was just stating facts is all. LOL

I joined the military not only to fight for my country but to fight for those that can't fight for themselves. Thats why I'm here.
Re: Jokes
by dsmith on 04/10/2009 11:24 AM | Reply #12 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
dsmith
Joined: 12/16/2001
Location: MT
Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!
Re: Jokes
by Bthewoods on 04/10/2009 2:13 PM | Reply #13 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
Bthewoods
Joined: 04/27/2007
Location: SD
There was this lady who just got out of the shower and heard a knock on the door.  So she decided to just wrap her towel around her body and go answer the door. To  her suprise, it was Bob, the neghibor.  She said," What do you want Bob?" 

He said, "just stopping by to say hello to your husband."
 She said," he's in bed, maybe try again tomorrow."
Then bob said, "I have 800 bucks in my pocket, and I will give it to you if you drop your towel for 5 seconds."  She thought about it for a while and then said," Oh what the heck, I could use the money."  So she dropped her towel and bob looked and handed her 800 dollars.  So she closed the door, went up to the room, and her husband said,"Who was that?"
She said," That was bob, the neighbor."
then the husband relied," Did he give you the 800 dollars he owed me?"
Re: Jokes
by tonka2 on 04/10/2009 2:17 PM | Reply #14 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
tonka2
Joined: 09/27/2002
Location: ND
A dog walks into an old west bar, packing heat, 1 front leg in a cast and walking with crutches. The bartender asks 'Can I help you"? The dog says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my PAW".
Re: Jokes
by zogman on 04/10/2009 4:39 PM | Reply #15 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
zogman
Joined: 01/23/2002
Location: ND
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep  him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting  for  help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic..  Are you a doctor? "
 
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I. R. S.
Re: Jokes
by outdoornut on 04/10/2009 5:10 PM | Reply #16 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
outdoornut
Joined: 01/11/2009
Location: SD
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.     
Naturally, the doctor asked him, " What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a herd of cattle."
"We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rearend."
"I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny."
Still holding the tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey honey, this looks like yours."
" I don't remember much after that."
                                                         
Re: Jokes
by eyexer on 04/10/2009 8:27 PM | Reply #17 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
eyexer
Joined: 02/28/2007
Location: ND
The Coroner goes out into the lobby and walks up to the grieving husband.  "Sir I'm just about finished with your wives autopsy.  But I've run across a peculiar item that I would like to get clarified.  Can you please tell me what happened out there on the golf course today.". 

The man clears himself and starts to speak. "Well we were on the 13th tee.  My wife was up on the womens tee and just finished hitting her drive.  I tee'd it up and let it rip.  Unfortunately it hit her in the back of the head.  And before I could get down there to her, she pass on."

The medical examiner said: "Yes, that would be consistent with my findings, however, can you explain the #2 titleist deeply embedded in her rectum."

The guy explains:"Well yes, that would be my mulligan"
Re: Jokes
by BDub on 04/10/2009 8:34 PM | Reply #18 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
BDub
Joined: 03/09/2009
Location: ND

A North Dakota cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, "We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.
Re: Jokes
by treeman4 on 04/10/2009 9:34 PM | Reply #19 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
treeman4
Joined: 02/02/2009
Location: ND

Q. What does your girlfriend and and old west salon have in common?
A. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.
Re: Jokes
by TomViking on 04/10/2009 11:15 PM | Reply #20 | "Quote" | "Quick Reply" |
TomViking
Joined: 12/08/2008
Location: ND
A man walked into a psychiatrist office completely wrapped in saran wrap. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said “I can clearly see your nuts.”
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Posted By: Kaptain
Posted On: 04/09/2009 9:25 PM
9778 Views, 101 Comments

Tags: jokes, ones, anybody, correct, politicaly
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Region: Minnesota

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